Some Things My Job Has Taught Me, Part 1

I am not sure when it started, but for a while now I have noticed that I often say to my clients, "Well, one thing my job has taught me......," or a variation of that phrase. I made a list one night and came up with 27 off the top of my head and decided then that this needed to be a series on my blog. In order to become a licensed mental health professional in the state of Arizona, you have to have a certain level of schooling, a certain amount of training and you have to pass a test.....amongst other things. The idea is that you are the professional and you will offer your clinical skills and education to the clients that you serve. What they don't tell you is how much you learn after you receive all of your training and that this education comes courtesy of the amazing people that you get to work with and the opportunity to observe the patterns in human behavior and relationship that one is exposed to when having the privilege to do my job. And so it begins.......

One thing that my job has taught me is that the truth really does set you free and its close cousin, you are only as sick as your secrets. This may be a bit dramatic but I think this is the key to higher levels of mental and emotional health. The road to honesty is extremely difficult and there are many obstacles to overcome. For starters, one needs to be honest with themselves and that takes time for self-reflection, courage to face the truth, and usually some type of consequence which inspires one to do it differently. Emotionally, shame is the biggest hindrance to this endeavor, followed closely by fear........(they often work together). Let me expand on the shame thing.....because its role is paramount. Many hide their secrets from themselves or others because of the shame it triggers. Shame is that feeling, that state of being, that is about feeling less than, unworthy, unlovable, inadequate, invisible, alone in the world and we have all sorts of defenses to prevent that from coming up into our consciousness. One has to confront their shame and it defenses in order to find the freedom that comes from being who they actually are, demons and all. "Being who you actually are" sounds great when its all the good stuff about us, but what about when we have to say that who we actually are is also an addict, or someone who is cheating on their spouse, or someone who as been abused or has abused, or someone who's family was less than perfect, etc, that's when we tend to put up the walls. We use all of Uncle Sigmund's (the grandpappy of psychology, Sigmund Frued, will always be referred to by me as, "Uncle Sigmund") identified defense mechanisms to then create the story we want to believe and the story we present to the world. We have all done this, we will all do this.

So, what is the benefit of living in your truth and revealing your secrets? The irony is the one often feels a significant reduction in shame after going through the gate of honesty and self revelation. The build up of shame, the depression and anxiety caused by the pent up emotions, the fallout experienced in once's close relationships, the addiction that is fed by the secrets, the energy it takes to maintain the facade, all take a toll. Don't get me wrong, the gate of honesty is very difficult to walk through, especially when another is involved. This is where the fear comes in, usually at the foundation one must confront their fear of abandonment and their fear of rejection.

I have observed, both in my life and the life of my clients, the greatest beneficiary of truth telling is in one's relationships. Your relationship with others, your Higher Power, and yourself. Secrets block intimacy. For example, you cannot lie to your spouse (and yes, minimizations and omissions count) about an extramarital affair and have a close emotional connection with them. The lie prevents healing. Unconsciously and consciously, you will protect the secret and many other aspects of you get shoved down as well. Most spouses and 99.9% of the children know something is going on so this further increases the wedge. In the example of addiction, one has to reveal the full extent of their addiction and places it has taken them in order to experience the fullness of grace given to them at that level of sobriety. Or, on a smaller scale, one gets to be, and therefore attract, people that live genuinely, demons and all. Food for thought.........

"Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people"-Carl Jung