"Why Me?"

I thought my sister-in-law, Susan, was a pretty amazing person and THEN she went and donated a kidney. To a stranger. Now I am using the thesaurus to try to find a bigger, stronger word! Fantastic? Incredible? Remarkable? It just doesn't seem adequate..... Susan has been married to my brother for 25 years (he is also wonderful....brilliant, hilarious, and rock solid character) and I have known her since I was 12. I could list the qualities I admire in her and there would be many! She is brilliant, one piece of evidence to support this is her graduate degree in engineering. She has raised, and continues to raise, four great kids, often stepping out of the culture's current pattern (that may be another blog....) for how to do that. She has a deep faith, inclusive of ALL, curious about life, always educating herself, wonderful writer, open about her vulnerabilities and weaknesses, she is just really, well, "real." But this isn't what I want to write about......back to that kidney thing. Susan wrote an essay on why she donated a kidney and I would like to insert the last paragraph, where she elaborates on her 4th reason, so you can hear her thoughts in her own words.

"4. I wanted to be right. A friend of mine insists the world has more darkness than light, more brokenness than wholeness. We’ve argued many times whether God’s touch of joy is more like a trickle or a flood. I stood squarely in the light-wholeness-flood camp. That is, until I, too, experienced a few years of confusion and hurt. More than anything, I hated that he was even partially right. So, this act of donating life is about healing a bit of brokenness and creating a flood of joy. Or, in this case, creating a flood of urine."

So I read this, and I see the threads of what in my field is called resiliency. Resiliency is a way of describing the clusters of characteristics, qualities, behaviors, strengths, that when in combination allow someone to "get through" and thrive, after difficult childhoods, traumas, wars, illnesses, etc.

An aspect of resiliency is how one views the world and the people in it. I don't mean the pollyanna view that comes with the denial of suffering and pain. But one with resiliency rarely ruminates on the question, "Why Me?" They don't see themselves as deserving of pain or tough circumstances but they also don't see themselves as entitled to the absence of them either. The resilient person is not prone to the bitterness and resentment that befalls living IN the question, "Why Me?"

A resilient person can hold two, apparently contradictory realities together, that in life there is the chance to experience staggering tragedy and pain, as well as deep love and joy. The resilient person, after what they have gone through or will always go through, continues to believe and experience the good in others, and yet, is very realistic about the limitations of human nature.

See, the thing is, Susan, has not had it easy and she still wrote that paragraph and acted on her belief in the world. I won't parade her experiences and pain, that is not the point. I will tell you that she has experienced staggering loss and that one of those losses was her and my brother's first born son, James. And, like many resilient people, she has gained compassion and empathy for those that struggle. Those that see themselves as strong, but are actually in a defensive posture to keep their pain at bay, are more likely to judge those that struggle to deal with their difficulties.

I have attached a link in order to provide more information on resiliency (see below). It comes easier to some than others, but many of the skills and perspectives can be learned over time.

http://www.resiliencycenter.com/articles/survresiliency.shtml

Until we "meet" again.

Why Can't People Just Get Over It?!

Ever known somebody that seems to be stuck on a particularly painful event or situation in the past? Notice how most of the focus returns to that precipitating event and they circle the drain absorbed in anxiety and pain? Now, the discussion about what keeps people stuck can take up hundreds of blogs. But to start, I would like to share with you some things that are critical to our understanding about the development and treatment of trauma as well as our compassion and treatment of those that have been traumatized, the walking wounded.

I had the wonderful opportunity last week to hear a leading researcher in the impact and treatment of trauma (this includes, but is not limited to, physical, sexual, and emotional abuse as a child or adult, combat, significant stress like a death or huge financial loss, etc), Bessel van der Kolk. Dr. van der Kolk spent 28 years at Harvard and now has his own institute in the Boston area. I will try to highlight some of the really important stuff.......

When we are born, our brain has a lot of development still left to do, a lot of the old brain (what we share with the animals) is in there and ready to fire and our frontal lobe, well, its under construction. Our frontal lobe is new brain, its the part of our brain that is huge in defining our personalities. Its what makes me "Sarah." One of the system that is relatively intact when we are born is our fight or flight system, this is what gets kicked into high gear when we perceive a threat (it is important for compassion and education purposes to know that most of the perceiving of such things is done unconsciously, or in other words, by old brain, NOT by the frontal lobes). We develop a second system as little people that allows us to self regulate, basically to calm down. This system is developed through interaction with the environment and primarily through interaction with the primary caregivers. If the environment is chaotic, abusive or neglectful that system is underdeveloped, so that creates an internally anxious, hypervigilant, stressed out person. Most, about 80%, of this systems nerves are efferent, meaning they go from the body to the brain! This is why telling people to think differently and "move on" is useless, and often cruel. The conscious, thinking part of their brain didn't cause this and therefore can't fix it. Someone in this position isn't remembering what happened, they are reliving it. It is important to note that negligence can be very distructive, for it is often viewed as less detrimental. For example, there are many children of alcoholics that had a "happy" drunk or a "calm drunk" for a parent, as opposed to a violent one. It appears as though their systems are also significantly impacted, most likely because an impaired parent is often not present emotionally, intellectually, and on many subtle levels, interacts with their children very differently. Adult children raised in these environments often see the world as negative, they often feel very anxious, they find that they are often controlling and judgmental, in other words, the world and its inhabitants are continued to be interpreted (by their survival focused brain) as lacking. When this system is working, the frontal lobes stay online during stress. The person is able to stay in the present, to know that they are safe and to address their environment appropriately. If you can do this, be grateful.

So, what happens if this system is faulty? Well, if one cannot internally physiologically and emotionally self-regulate they seek out external means of doing so. Substance abuse and addictions of various sorts, food, smoking, compulsive relationships, perfectionism (big in US culture), all work to physiologically alter one's internal experience. Down the healthier avenue, one may seek out exercise, body movement meditations such as yoga and tai chi, mediation and prayer, etc.

One is more likely to be retraumatized as an adult if this system did not fully develop. The foundation is not there and so the stress response takes over. For example, those who survived 9/11 but came from troubled childhoods were more likely to develop PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder-a severe, pervasive, anxiety condition) than those who weren't. They simply have different brains.

We can treat this! There are techniques and evidenced-based approaches that are making an impact. For example, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), somatic experiencing, other therapies that focus on the physiology are showing wonderful results. Stay tuned. I am passionate about the treatment of trauma and will have more to say!